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Do you want your child to be happy$%: Who doesn't$%: Indeed, many parenting books promise that if you just follow their instructions, you will have a happy youngster on your hands. Oh, that it were so!

In fact, wouldn't it be great if we parents could be happy too$%: Happy parents, happy children, one big happy family! But where does this actually exist apart from photos in your album and pictures in magazines$%: This is not to say that we are never happy. We certainly do experience this state from time to time. "Happy" is one of five main feeling categories that human beings regularly experience. Within the "happy" category we find emotions like proud, pleased, content, satisfied, joyous, thrilled, peaceful, elated, excited and so on. But there are four other feeling categories: "sad," "angry," "scared," and "confused." Within these categories we find many emotions such as drained, defeated, dejected, rejected, ashamed, deflated and regretful under "sad;" furious, annoyed, abused, provoked, and perturbed under "angry;" panicky, shocked, overwhelmed, desperate, nervous and defensive in the "scared" category and puzzled, doubtful, unsettled, bewildered and troubled in the "confused" category. And these are only a small selection of the possible emotions for each major feeling. In our moment-by-moment lives, we spend time in each of the five feeling groups. How many minutes a day does any one of us actually spend in the "happy" category$%:

Although it is certainly pleasant for us to find ourselves feeling happy, the other emotions are important for our well being. They have what is called, "signal value." Feelings give us instructions for living. Sad feelings tell us that something is missing and needs to be replaced. This can pertain to anything from a favorite pencil to a significant relationship. Angry feelings tell us that a boundary has been crossed and needs to be re-instituted. Scared feelings tell us that danger may be lurking and we should be vigilant. Confused feelings tell us that we need to gather more information and find our bearings. When we appreciate the utility and wisdom of our feelings, we welcome each one of them. When a feeling has been welcomed, it can deliver its message. Having done so, it is free to go. On the other hands, feelings that are blocked continue to knock relentlessly on the door. They haven't fulfilled their mission and they are not about to leave until they do. Therefore, when we ignore our feelings or try to make them go away, we ensure that they will persist. Similarly, if we need our children to be "happy" all the time, we are really teaching them how to ignore the important messages of their feelings.

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Emotional coaching, the art of helping our children meet their feelings in a friendly, accepting way, builds emotional intelligence. By welcoming ALL the feelings our children have, we help our children develop a comfort with themselves. We help them tune into themselves and others. This improves their emotional balance, their social lives and even their academic performance and physical health! The basic skill of emotional coaching involves simply naming a child's feeling (for details, see the section on emotional coaching in "Raise Your Kids without Raising Your Voice" by Sarah Chana Radcliffe). Just look at the child's face, listen to his or her tone of voice and hear the words. What does the child seem to be feeling - happy, sad, mad, scared or confused$%: Then just say so: "I see you're really mad at me for not giving you your cookie/cell phone/Ferrari." Always end with a period and a pause. Never say, "but" since the "but" will erase your acknowledgment of the child's feeling. Name as many feelings as seems appropriate and then proceed to say and do whatever you normally would. The naming of feelings will, over time, make an enormous difference.

Besides the fact that we are all subject to the full range of human emotion, there is one more very important reason that we cannot just raise a "happy" child. This is the matter of genetic inheritance. Each human being inherits a feeling disposition - a tendency toward contentment or toward negativity, toward sadness or toward fearfulness. Skilled parenting cannot make a naturally sad child happy, nor a naturally scared child relaxed and confident. Unfair as it seems, unskilled parenting can cause children to become more troubled emotionally, moving from happy to sadder or from bold to more inhibited. But skilled parenting only brings a child to his or her inherent potential. Children are born into families that carry depression genes, anger genes and anxiety genes. Parenting techniques can help prevent further damage and help children do their best but they cannot in and of themselves change the genetic program. Some people have found improvement in their inborn tendencies with the help of Bach Flower Therapy, a harmless naturopathic intervention. Others have found certain interventions in adulthood (like brain entrainment therapies) that have made a difference. Parents may be able to help their children find treatments that have a lasting effect on mood (including, in some cases, psychotropic medications). But parents cannot produce a happy child through their own communication skills.

Good parenting is a skill. The child's personality is a result of many factors - birth order, cultural and community factors, school experiences, influence of peers, media and other adults, exposure to trauma and illness, inborn temperament and so on. Although we may not be able to raise a happy child, we can certainly bring out the best in the child that we have. So let's do that.

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